How Small Talk can Hinder Friendships

Everyone enjoys a good deep and meaningful conversation with a good friend. So why is it that we are seeing less of that?

“How are you” has become a greeting in our society. Even the check out chicks at the supermarket ask us that question. When asked “How are you” by someone who is only in our company for a few minutes, we know that a short and sweet answer is what the other wants to hear. So we reply with a, “Good thanks, and you?” We have become accustomed to saying that we are okay, when often we are not.

We make idle chit-chat about the weather, or speak our two cents about the current state of government. How often are we saying how we are really feeling? How often are we talking about our passions and dreams? How often are we discussing how we would like the world to be, and what we can do to make that a reality? Are we deciphering and analyzing our life choices, and discussing our hopes for the future? Not so much.

How can we expect to have real and deep friendships, if we don’t have real and deep conversations?

Pride comes before a fall. If we are worried about what other people think of us, we most likely only show our “best selves”. Meaning, we aren’t sharing our complete story. We are leaving out our struggles.

For example; Mary is a friends of yours and asks how life is going for you. The truth is that a colleague is making work life hard, and bringing the whole office down to a level of back-stabbing and negativity. Because of that stress, home life is somewhat impaired. You find yourself snapping at your children and your partner more. How do you answer Mary’s question? You tell her that life is great, the kids are doing well at school and your partner is an angel. Now, the kids might be doing good at school and your partner is still the love of your life. But are you really being truthful?

After Mary hears your answer she feels inferior, because her pre-teen is giving her such a hard time that she wants to put her in boarding school. Her husband isn’t a great help with the kids, and isn’t sympathetic to her struggles. So when you ask her how she is, she will probably only talk about the good things in her life. She’ll talk about how great her work-life is, and that she could be up for a promotion.

The friendship suffers and you find that some kind of distance is getting between the two of you. You’re not sharing the whole truth and your struggles with each other. You talk more and more about “small” matters, rather than what’s bothering each of you. Conversations become about the cost of fuel, the new recipes you’re trying, and the holiday you’re planning over summer.

True friends support each other in both happy and difficult times. Don’t be afraid to share your struggles. We all have them. NO ONE IS PERFECT, and that is okay!

-Hazel.