Where I am now.

There are many points in life that have us asking – where do I go from here? To know the answer, I guess it is best to first ask – “how did I get here?”

How did I get to where I am now? Well, every choice that I’ve made has led me to this point. Like a river, my life started as an icy mountain peak. The ice slowly melted, trickled down the mountains terrain and began the start of a little riverlet. The rains added volume, and through bends and twists the water flowed. There have been forks in this river, that could have lead to different streams; different paths in life. But this is where I am now.

I was a strange child, a dreamer and a loner. I found that time spent in nature, with imagination as my companion, was all I needed. My childhood was spent in two worlds.
My parents were missionaries, and so the jungles of Ethiopia and the slums of India were my playground. Then when we were “home” in the big city of Sydney, that was a jungle of a different kind.
Although I experienced a lot growing up, I was also quite sheltered. I didn’t watch tv, or listen to the radio. All my half siblings were grown and had left home.
When I reached adulthood I was quite naive, believing that all human beings were good and honest. I believed that if a person lacked the “goodness” that I felt all people had, it meant that they didn’t have the life skills or knowledge needed to choose good in their life. It was with that mindset that I felt like I could help the man who would become the father of my child.

I was eighteen when we met, my heart full of dreams and my head in the clouds. He was unlike anyone I’d ever met. So charismatic, full of life and he could not get enough of my company. At least that is the part of himself that he showed to me, until I fell pregnant. When his true colours came to light, it became clear why he chose to hide his true nature. At his core, he was a sadistic and cruel man. Like a wolf in sheeps clothing. He attempted to isolate me from any influence apart from his, so that I would be entangled in his web of lies. So that I would believe I was worthless and deserved the emotional and physical abuse. Unfortunately this worked for a time, because I clung to the version of him that I fell in love with. I felt that I could help him choose goodness and a better life. But alas, there are some people who have no desire to be better. They are happy blaming their childhood and other outside influences for they way they are.

There are many women who are trapped in the cycle of abuse. If you know of a woman like this, please don’t give up on her. Continue to remind her of her worth and help her escape that life. I am so thankful to those who didn’t give up on me.
I felt I had to create a better life for myself and for my son. I studied Nursing and began working at the hospital. I love my job, and feel very blessed to enjoy going to work.

I became quite involved in the local church, and it was there that I met the man who would become my husband. This man saw my worth when I felt like I had none. He showed me kindness and shared my joy in loving life. Unfortunately, he was also a man pretending to be something he was not. I realised I had made a mistake on our honeymoon. His father was one of the pastors at the church so we didn’t live together before we got married. Again, naively, I felt like life didn’t have to be like this. That with help we could make our life together better.
As soon as we were married, the kindness that I admired in him disappeared. He refused to lift a finger to help anyone, even his own friends and family. The joy I thought he had faded and seemed to be replaced with resentment for the whole world. I thought maybe he had depression, or some thyroid problems, but no. We tried counseling for years, but he maintained that he was fine and that we were fine. But we weren’t. I had lost hope in us. After a series of events and realisations, I told my husband that I didn’t love him, but that I loved the person he was pretending to be before we were married. And that was the end of our story together.

As children we make a wish when we blow the seeds of a dandelion globe. We make a wish as we blow out our birthday candles. We wish on shooting stars, on ladybugs, on folded Doritos, on anything really. As a child, I always wished the same thing. I wished to be wise. I told you I was a strange child. Throughout my life, when I’ve experienced bad situations, I’ve always thought – I can learn something from this. I felt that, in a way, I had asked for it. I had wished to be wise, and in turn wished upon my life situations to learn and grow from. But wishing on a dandelion won’t make something come true. Life is life. It is both good and bad. Without the rain, we would not appreciate the sunshine. Without sadness, we would not understand how wonderful love is. Without tragedy, would we truly enjoy our triumphs and amazing life experiences?
I still hold true that there is a time and a season for every purpose under the heavens. Nothing is forever. It doesn’t matter if it’s good or bad, but nothing is forever. Life is always changing and always anew.

Therefore take comfort in not knowing what may be around the corner, for it might be a beautiful adventure, a great love, something completely unexpected. You have more power inside you than you know. Your thoughts and words have power to create in this life. This is the way vibrations of the universe work- if you are happy, you attract happiness. If you are love, you attract love. Therefore, strive to truly know and love yourself. For then you will be happy in yourself, and the love you have inside will pour out into the world, and attract to you great love and happiness.
– Hazel.